Yes ladies and gentlemen. You read that right. D*ck cookies. I tried to think of a less crude, less NSFW, cuter name to call them. But there’s no getting around it. I made d*ck cookies. And I made them twice. You now can freely lower your expectations for the content on this blog. As cutesy and wholesome as my last post was, this next one is not going to be pretty.
One of the societal rites of passage for men is the coveted bachelor party. It’s the infamous night (or even a weekend) whereby guys, scared shitless by the prospect of dedicating the rest of their life to a girl (a girl that they picked in most cases), give themselves free reign to consume near-fatal amounts of tequila and will actually pay money for a nude stranger to give them a boner in the presence of their closest guy friends. For women, the bachelorette party often constitutes much of the same in the way of drinking, but activities with a nude stranger are often replaced by lots of giggling at fake penises (penii? …no, I’m pretty sure it’s penises).
I don’t think I’ll ever understand the obsession with penis decorations at bachelorette parties, but I’ve been coerced into making d*ck cookies two summers in a row for such events. Shirley purchased d*ck cookie cutters last summer for Leslie’s bachelorette, which I used to make chocolate brownie cookies using a recipe from Smitten Kitchen.
They actually turned out to be quite delicious. While I would like to think I’m not so superficial as to think less of a dessert just because it looks like a big chocolate… you know, I just couldn’t bring myself to eat as many cookies as I wanted to.
Brownie Roll-Out Cookies Recipe
3 C all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 C lightly salted butter, softened (I used one stick salted, one stick unsalted)
1 1/2 C sugar
2 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
2/3 C unsweetened cocoa powder (I used Valrhona)
Preheat oven at 350 degrees. Whisk dry flour, salt and baking powder in bowl and set aside.
Mix butter, sugar, eggs, vanilla, and cocoa in mixer. Gradually add flour mixture, and mix until smooth. Wrap in plastic and chill for at least one hour.
Roll out cookie dough on a floured surface. Cut into desired shapes, brushing the extra flour off the top (it disappears once baked).
Bake on a parchment-lined baking sheet for 8 to 11 minutes (the former for 1/8-inch thick cookies, the latter for 1/4-inch cookies) until the edges are firm and the centers are slightly soft and puffy.
Transfer to a wire rack to cool.
Knowing how enthusiastic Shirley was about all the penis decor at Leslie’s bachelorette, I broke out the d*ck cutters again. This timing using Martha Stewart’s Basic Sugar Cookie recipe and adding some red food coloring to make them pink. The bridesmaids unanimously voted that more of a “fleshy” color would be appropriate.
Basic Sugar Cookie Recipe:
2 C all-purpose flour, plus extra for rolling
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 C (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 Cgranulated sugar
1 large egg
1 tsp vanilla extract
Optional food coloring (I used 4-5 drops of red food coloring to get this shade of pink)
In large bowl, whisk flour, baking powder, and salt. With an electric mixer, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in egg and vanilla. With mixer on low, gradually add flour mixture; beat until combined. Divide dough in half; flatten into disks. Wrap each in plastic; freeze until firm, at least 20 minutes.
Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Line baking sheets with parchment. Remove one dough disk; let stand 5 to 10 minutes. Roll out 1/8 inch thick between two sheets of floured parchment, dusting dough with flour as needed. Cut shapes with cookie cutters. Using a spatula, transfer to prepared baking sheets. (If dough gets soft, chill 10 minutes.) Re-roll scraps; cut shapes. Repeat with remaining dough.
Bake, rotating halfway through, until edges are golden, 10 to 18 minutes (depending on size). Cool completely on wire racks.
Since these were standard sugar cookies, I rolled them out at 1/8″ (per the recipe). However, seeing as how those little peckers bubbled up a little bit (probably due to re-kneading after the first cut), I would probably roll them out somewhere between 1/8″ and 1/4″ next time and really knead them more. I didn’t have that problem with the brownie roll out cookies – probably due to the less delicate texture of those.
I’d been wanting to break out the Star Wars cookie cutters Sam got for me via the 2010 Sho-Yu Secret Santa gift exchange. They’d been in their box serving as décor on my desk at work for over two years, and I was really excited for the perfect opportunity to christen them.
When Ling and I arrived at Alex’s place, we had a pizza and beer waiting for us… as first-dinner. Yes, first-dinner. Lingie took charge of the lemon zest, and Alex helped with the dry ingredients.
Once we finished prepping the dough for the cookies (to the tune of a Brad Pitt marathon, mind you), we wrapped it up and chilled it before heading out to second dinner at Peru’s Taste. Lingie and I had never been there before, and it was DEEEELISH.
Daniel showed up later as a “surprise” to help us with the cookie-cutting (and taste-testing). Kiddingggg.
Alex did the plating for the cookies and ice cream.
In the spirit of said corporate faux holiday, I decided to bake in celebration of the pink and the hearts and all that other crap that Valentine’s Day is all about. I like things with cornmeal (i.e., cornbread, …can’t think of anything else) so I thought a sugar cookie using cornmeal would be a fun and different spin on your everyday sugar cookie. I got the recipe from Martha Stewart, of course.
After shaping the cookie dough into 1″ balls and rolling them in sugar, I used the bottom of a small dish to flatten them into 1.5″ discs. Jamie (being the goddess of a good bargain) bought me a set of heart-shaped cookie cutters from a garage sale a few months ago, and I used the smallest one to cut partway through the cookie discs.
As the cookies baked in the oven, the shape took a more defined form as the dough rose. I then glazed the hearts using the back of a spoon and a glaze made of powdered sugar, a wee bit of water and vanilla, and couple drops of food coloring.
So what did I do with all of these cookies? I ended up sending them to some Valentines that I declared my own, and some as thank you gifts to Leslie, Tri, and Annie for being their ridiculously awesome selves. The rest went to work with me on the actual day right before I left for Indianapolis and Grand Rapids on a whirlwind of a trip. I spent my V-Day evening aboard two planes to Indy, closing the night with this charming fellow at my hotel in Indianapolis. I probably would have gone on a date with Spalding had I been in LA.
2.5 days and six planes later (there were NO direct flights), I’m happy to say I survived the snow and icy roads of the Midwest. I had asked work to reserve a car with 4-wheel drive, since both states were forecasted to receive snow during my stay. My flights to both destinations got in pretty late at night, so all of the economy SUVs were taken by the time I arrived at the Enterprise counter. They graciously upgraded me to a Lincoln Navigator in Indy. While I always insist that I’m of near-average height, I concede that I was way too short for this car. I had to sit on one of my legs to see over the steering wheel because there were no booster seats included with the car.
Oh! I also made some Peanut Butter Thumbprint Cookies using dark chocolate Dove hearts (instead of the typical Hershey’s Kisses) because everyone is supposed to have chocolates or something classy on V-Day, right?