D*ck Cookies (Brownie Roll-Out Cookies and Basic Sugar Cookies)

20 Aug

Yes ladies and gentlemen. You read that right. D*ck cookies. I tried to think of a less crude, less NSFW, cuter name to call them.  But there’s no getting around it.  I made d*ck cookies. And I made them twice.  You now can freely lower your expectations for the content on this blog.  As cutesy and wholesome as my last post was, this next one is not going to be pretty.

One of the societal rites of passage for men is the coveted bachelor party.  It’s the infamous night (or even a weekend) whereby guys, scared shitless by the prospect of dedicating the rest of their life to a girl (a girl that they picked in most cases), give themselves free reign to consume near-fatal amounts of tequila and will actually pay money for a nude stranger to give them a boner in the presence of their closest guy friends.  For women, the bachelorette party often constitutes much of the same in the way of drinking, but activities with a nude stranger are often replaced by lots of giggling at fake penises (penii? …no, I’m pretty sure it’s penises).

I don’t think I’ll ever understand the obsession with penis decorations at bachelorette parties, but I’ve been coerced into making d*ck cookies two summers in a row for such events.  Shirley purchased d*ck cookie cutters last summer for Leslie’s bachelorette, which I used to make chocolate brownie cookies using a recipe from Smitten Kitchen.

Refridgerated Dough and... Cookie Cutters

Refrigerated Dough and… Cookie Cutters

They actually turned out to be quite delicious.  While I would like to think I’m not so superficial as to think less of a dessert just because it looks like a big chocolate… you know, I just couldn’t bring myself to eat as many cookies as I wanted to.

Brownie Roll-Out Cookies Recipe

Ingredients:

  • 3 C all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp baking powder
  • 1 C lightly salted butter, softened (I used one stick salted, one stick unsalted)
  • 1 1/2 C sugar
  • 2 large eggs
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 2/3 C unsweetened cocoa powder (I used Valrhona)

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven at 350 degrees. Whisk dry flour, salt and baking powder in bowl and set aside.
  2. Mix butter, sugar, eggs, vanilla, and cocoa in mixer. Gradually add flour mixture, and mix until smooth. Wrap in plastic and chill for at least one hour.
  3. Roll out cookie dough on a floured surface. Cut into desired shapes, brushing the extra flour off the top (it disappears once baked).

    Yup. This Happened.

    Yup. This Happened.

  4. Bake on a parchment-lined baking sheet for 8 to 11 minutes (the former for 1/8-inch thick cookies, the latter for 1/4-inch cookies) until the edges are firm and the centers are slightly soft and puffy.
  5. Transfer to a wire rack to cool.
Hearts make it all less naughty, right?

Hearts make it all less naughty, right?

Knowing how enthusiastic Shirley was about all the penis decor at Leslie’s bachelorette, I broke out the d*ck cutters again. This timing using Martha Stewart’s Basic Sugar Cookie recipe and adding some red food coloring to make them pink.  The bridesmaids unanimously voted that more of a “fleshy” color would be appropriate.

Basic Sugar Cookie Recipe:
Ingredients:

  • 2 C all-purpose flour, plus extra for rolling
  • 1/2 tsp baking powder
  • 1/4 tsp salt
  • 1/2 C (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
  • 1 Cgranulated sugar
  • 1 large egg
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • Optional food coloring (I used 4-5 drops of red food coloring to get this shade of pink)

Directions:

  1. In large bowl, whisk flour, baking powder, and salt. With an electric mixer, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in egg and vanilla. With mixer on low, gradually add flour mixture; beat until combined. Divide dough in half; flatten into disks. Wrap each in plastic; freeze until firm, at least 20 minutes.

    And it happened again...

    And it happened again…

  2. Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Line baking sheets with parchment. Remove one dough disk; let stand 5 to 10 minutes. Roll out 1/8 inch thick between two sheets of floured parchment, dusting dough with flour as needed. Cut shapes with cookie cutters. Using a spatula, transfer to prepared baking sheets. (If dough gets soft, chill 10 minutes.) Re-roll scraps; cut shapes. Repeat with remaining dough.
  3. Bake, rotating halfway through, until edges are golden, 10 to 18 minutes (depending on size). Cool completely on wire racks.
For Shame...

For Shame…

Since these were standard sugar cookies, I rolled them out at 1/8″ (per the recipe).  However, seeing as how those little peckers bubbled up a little bit (probably due to re-kneading after the first cut), I would probably roll them out somewhere between 1/8″ and 1/4″ next time and really knead them more.  I didn’t have that problem with the brownie roll out cookies – probably due to the less delicate texture of those.

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